Reflections

After 3 1/2 years, saying goodbye is probably the toughest thing I've ever had to do. But I guess its for the best. It's not my choice, and there is nothing I can do to change it. I wish there was. But we all know wishing doesn't change anything.

I think the hardest part is when someone who you have always counted on to be there for you isn't there anymore. When the only person who can make you stop crying...is the one who is making you cry. It's letting someone go who you depended on for support.

It's realizing that you aren't the person you used to be, and that I remember. It's respecting your desire to be single and 'free,' while wanting to fulfill my desire to be with you. It's what you said on Thursday, that you wanted to try it and stay in the relationship, and me putting down my guard because I believed you and started to let you in again. Even when all the signs pointed the other way, I ignored them. I only wanted to see you and me. I was hardened on Tuesday, but your words, the way you kissed me...that made me believe that you really did want to be with me, and I got excited. Excited for living together, carving out a life together. I thought that the week we spent together helped our relationship. I just wish you had the balls to tell me that week. To cut your trip short, tell me Tuesday and leave. Because I had a false hope that everything was ok.

But it wasn't. The signs were always there - you didn't want to be with me. You didn't want to fly down more to see me, and you didn't want me to come up. You didn't do more than the bare minimum to keep this relationship alive. I always gave everything I could, and you took....but you never gave back. You always said it would be the distance that would tear us apart. Perhaps it was - but I think even if I had moved up there, you would have wanted to be out partying. I get it - you want to live like you did in college. And you don't want me to be a part of it. You don't want to be tied down. So bring on the one night stands and drunken stupors...and you'll love it.

I just hope that when the party is over, and the keg is gone, that you don't regret this. Because it's going to take an awful lot to get over you, and I won't go through that again. I love you so much...goodbye.

Shoes, Shopping and Sex

I recently began watching Sex and the City, starting with season 1. Did I mention I am starting to be addicted to it? Target is amazing and sells each season for $15, so I'll soon be the proud owner of the entire show! I still don't see why they ended it...it was such a good show! But the filming for Sex and the City: The Movie 2 is currently underway, so I am excited to see a continuation of my newfound entertainment.

I'm always late to get on the bandwagon when it comes to TV shows. Perhaps that was because we didn't have cable until this past year. So while everyone was watching Friends, Days of Our Lives and Felicity, I was watching King of the Hill re-runs. So exciting. In college, I still didn't get hooked on anything unless my boyfriend was watching it. I have to admit, Scrubs was a pretty good show to get addicted to for a while. I still enjoy watching the re-runs.

Did I miss anything? Well, I can't really hold a conversation about American Television, but I suppose that's not a big problem. Even now, with cable, I don't watch TV much. That's in part to the amount of reading I have as a law student, and in part because I just find better things to do. I like to shop, and I've begun cooking. Yes, it is an extraordinary day when I cook something that tastes decent.

Girl, Interrupted

Interruption is a pet peeve of mine. And I've noticed more and more interruption around me, which is really bothering me. I think this could be the reason that I sometimes feel like I'm not getting my input in the conversation. And lately I've noticed that I've been interrupting, just to get heard!

There are a few individuals I am thinking about which talk incessantly and you HAVE to interrupt to get a word in otherwise! The first is my co-worker, who I really am not too fond of anyway. One simple question, will lead her off into a spiral of subjects, and even if you try to interrupt, she will keep talking! Another is a good friend whom I am very fond of, but who will continue talking, even when you start talking when you think he/she has finished!! And then there is my father, who will go into 'lecture mode' if you say anything, so that you have to interrupt to get him to stop. I think the worst part about all of the interrupters is that if you say anything, or start talking about your life, they will interrupt your story and start relating it back to them. It's rather annoying and rude.

Perhaps it is because I am a good listener. I will sit and listen to a person's problems. I don't mind...I'd like to think that I am a very supportive person. But then it gets to the point where I can't even get my 2 cents in about anything. And sometimes that is better, because that will start them on a whole other tangent.

But how do we deal with this? Perhaps that is why texting, e-mail and IM work out so much better...because the whole 'interruption' subject is completely gone. You just write as much as your heart desires, knowing that they will read it and respond, and you won't get lost under the constant drone of the other person's voice.

The Art of the Conversation

I've realized that conversations are critical for the well-being of a person. Whether its a conversation about emotions, or a conversation about where something is, a conversation about academics, or just a conversation about nothing. We gossip, we love, we befriend, we relate through our conversations. In a way, conversations are how we live.

I don't think I've ever been particularly good with conversing. I could never figure out why, but after seeing my father interact with my family today, I think I know why. My father cannot converse. He cannot discuss. He does not listen to what you say, nor does he even make an attempt to listen to it. If you try to have a conversation, you end up getting a lecture. The rest of my family has been made to be listeners. Listeners to his endless rants and criticism. And if we were to talk? We would be put down. So there really was never a lot of conversation in my childhood when my father was home. My mother and I have wonderful conversations; but with my dad, there is nothing.

I realized this today after trying to get in on a conversation about firewalls and antivirus protection on computers. I'm not particularly educated in the ways of computers, but throughout my dealings with computers, I have learned about what is needed by the IT departments in my schools, as well as things my brother and boyfriend have both told me about computers. My father was talking to my brother about the 5 or so programs he decided to load onto a computer that already had appropriate anti-virus software, and my sister and I both put in my thoughts, and automatically, the conversation turned into a yelling lecture. You must understand, I am from a large family, and we are always butt into eachother's conversations, and sometimes my poor mother is part of two conversations at once! But my father blew up and said that we were all disrespecting him by correcting him and the same old B.S. as usual.

And so I have concluded that my father does not have any idea on how to have a conversation. The things I said, I could have said to anyone and had a nice, proper conversation about. But my father does not like it if we know something and try to correct him about it (case in point: I have a brand-new Mac laptop. He has lectured me that I need to download Firewall software because his friend said so. Does his friend own a Mac? No. Does his friend even know anything about a Mac? Well, considering he told my father that I need firewall software, I am assuming that is a big No. Macs have firewall built in! That's why they are so great! He said I was being disrespectful and rude to him for telling him I don't need it. I told him my IT department said it wasn't necessary, and he said I should treat him with the same respect as I do the IT department. Well, who do you think is right? I would have to go with the IT department considering they run the technology in 2 law schools.)

I'm afraid that a conversation with my father is hopeless. He will not talk with you, he will talk at you. And if you try to say anything, forget it. He'll keep talking, talking over you. And when he stops, and you try to say something, he'll do that again. He ignores what you say, claiming everything is disrespectful, you're rude, ect. I never realized that he really, truly cannot have a conversation until today. I can't believe it's taken so long, but it did. Wow.

Aside from this little realization, the weather had dropped in FL, so it is a cool 60 degrees and wonderful for bundling up in sweaters and drinking hot cups of tea. Apparently there are big waves at the beach, but its too cold with the wind to go see them. I'm such a FL girl, haha. I do wish my boyfriend was here; I'd like to cuddle by the fire and roast marshmallows. Or just cuddle and watch a movie.

*sigh* back to Torts reading...

October Already?!?!

It's hard to believe that it is already October. A year ago exactly, I was taking the LSAT. Now I am in law school. It's hard to believe how fast time flies. Pretty soon it will be Christmas.

The weather here is also an indication of the passing time. It is finally beginning to cool off. The breezes have a hint of cool, and I am very homesick for fall. I imagine that my house at home looks gorgeous, with the leaves from the old Oak trees falling. When I was little, we used to make these HUGE piles of leaves and jump in them. And I would stand on the hill, and let the cool wind blow through my hair. Yes, I love the fall. Unfortunately I am in an area without fall, but I still like the change in the weather. I'm excited to wear sweaters...yes, it is perfectly acceptable to wear sweaters in Florida.

Of course, that poses a problem in itself. See, even though I am not incredibly tall, sweaters are usually too short on me. Plus, I am very particular when it comes to the fabric of a sweater. I love cashmere, but for a more affordable sweater, I prefer a cotton yarn. Wool is too scratchy. Baby alpaca is beautiful, but very expensive. My next knitting project will be a baby alpaca yarn sweater. Something I can curl up in.

On that note, I am going to go work on homework. I would like to do some knitting today, and that will only happen if I finish my reading.

Have a wonderful Sunday.

Exploding Brain

I have spent my entire Sunday reading, reading, reading. I know I signed up for this, but I need to vent, so therefore I will.

Don't get me wrong, I think law school is great. So far, aside from the first week that was terrifying, everything is falling in place. But there is just so much reading! Halfway through the day, my eyes hurt, my head felt like it was so stuffed with information that it would explode, and my body felt so cramped from sitting. So I went out to Staples (I needed to get pen refills and highlighters anyway) and then came back and tackled more. Unfortunately, I still have more to read before class tomorrow. There is just so much information - how do they expect you to remember everything?

I guess what I don't understand is why I am reading all of this when I am planning on practicing a totally different type of law. I guess it doesn't matter. But I do find everything interesting, and I look forward to class, but I guess what I am trying to say is, at the moment, I am overwhelmed.

I feel like I need to go swimming, or just sit in a field and meditate on my own feelings for a while. To do something that will push all these things into a different part of my brain so that I can concentrate on something else. I need to get my hobbies back - where did they go? For the first time in a long while, I went to Michaels and I didn't buy anything.

The drive is starting to get me too. I know I don't have as long a drive as some, but I know I have a longer drive than others. Like those who either live in st. pete or tampa, who get a break from driving on the days we are at those respective campuses. I have to drive 45 minutes each way, no matter which campus we are at. Driving takes up so much time.

I know this week will not be any better. I'm not as far along on my work as I wanted to be, and so I'll be playing catch up while trying to work on my outlines, and of course do some reading for next week so I don't get too behind schedule...and last week I was so caught up on my work! I just need a good night's sleep and tomorrow I'll be able to tackle anything.

But for now, I need an episode of Sex and the City. I hope its on.

Got knits?

Sometimes I feel like an old woman when I tell people that I like to knit. It's weird that something that was a part of history is slowly disappearing as younger generations find other activities to do and move away from handicrafts. And it is something that is so easy to do while watching tv!

As the fall weather approaches (well, maybe not in Florida, but certainly in the midwest and northeast), I am thinking about a project I have wanted to do for a while; knit a sweater. I am currently working on a bag, but I should finish it within a week or two, so I have been looking for a nice pattern. It is so hard to find a pattern for sweaters that look young! I'm not experienced enough to make my own patterns, but I wish I could because it is so hard to find something to knit that I would wear. And then I'll have to find a yarn that I like. I'm so lucky that there are 2 very nice yarn shops near me; Flying Needles in Bellaire Beach and Needles and Knobs in St. Petersburg. But the pattern is the first thing I need, and that will be a little difficult to find...

I am looking forward to customizing a sweater, though. As a tall person, I have a hard time finding sweaters that are long enough for me. Either they are too short in the bottom, exposing my mid-drift, or too short in the sleeves, or both. So I will be excited to make something that fits me.

If anyone has any insight in good patterns, let me know!