Reflections

After 3 1/2 years, saying goodbye is probably the toughest thing I've ever had to do. But I guess its for the best. It's not my choice, and there is nothing I can do to change it. I wish there was. But we all know wishing doesn't change anything.

I think the hardest part is when someone who you have always counted on to be there for you isn't there anymore. When the only person who can make you stop crying...is the one who is making you cry. It's letting someone go who you depended on for support.

It's realizing that you aren't the person you used to be, and that I remember. It's respecting your desire to be single and 'free,' while wanting to fulfill my desire to be with you. It's what you said on Thursday, that you wanted to try it and stay in the relationship, and me putting down my guard because I believed you and started to let you in again. Even when all the signs pointed the other way, I ignored them. I only wanted to see you and me. I was hardened on Tuesday, but your words, the way you kissed me...that made me believe that you really did want to be with me, and I got excited. Excited for living together, carving out a life together. I thought that the week we spent together helped our relationship. I just wish you had the balls to tell me that week. To cut your trip short, tell me Tuesday and leave. Because I had a false hope that everything was ok.

But it wasn't. The signs were always there - you didn't want to be with me. You didn't want to fly down more to see me, and you didn't want me to come up. You didn't do more than the bare minimum to keep this relationship alive. I always gave everything I could, and you took....but you never gave back. You always said it would be the distance that would tear us apart. Perhaps it was - but I think even if I had moved up there, you would have wanted to be out partying. I get it - you want to live like you did in college. And you don't want me to be a part of it. You don't want to be tied down. So bring on the one night stands and drunken stupors...and you'll love it.

I just hope that when the party is over, and the keg is gone, that you don't regret this. Because it's going to take an awful lot to get over you, and I won't go through that again. I love you so much...goodbye.