I don't think I've ever been particularly good with conversing. I could never figure out why, but after seeing my father interact with my family today, I think I know why. My father cannot converse. He cannot discuss. He does not listen to what you say, nor does he even make an attempt to listen to it. If you try to have a conversation, you end up getting a lecture. The rest of my family has been made to be listeners. Listeners to his endless rants and criticism. And if we were to talk? We would be put down. So there really was never a lot of conversation in my childhood when my father was home. My mother and I have wonderful conversations; but with my dad, there is nothing.
I realized this today after trying to get in on a conversation about firewalls and antivirus protection on computers. I'm not particularly educated in the ways of computers, but throughout my dealings with computers, I have learned about what is needed by the IT departments in my schools, as well as things my brother and boyfriend have both told me about computers. My father was talking to my brother about the 5 or so programs he decided to load onto a computer that already had appropriate anti-virus software, and my sister and I both put in my thoughts, and automatically, the conversation turned into a yelling lecture. You must understand, I am from a large family, and we are always butt into eachother's conversations, and sometimes my poor mother is part of two conversations at once! But my father blew up and said that we were all disrespecting him by correcting him and the same old B.S. as usual.
And so I have concluded that my father does not have any idea on how to have a conversation. The things I said, I could have said to anyone and had a nice, proper conversation about. But my father does not like it if we know something and try to correct him about it (case in point: I have a brand-new Mac laptop. He has lectured me that I need to download Firewall software because his friend said so. Does his friend own a Mac? No. Does his friend even know anything about a Mac? Well, considering he told my father that I need firewall software, I am assuming that is a big No. Macs have firewall built in! That's why they are so great! He said I was being disrespectful and rude to him for telling him I don't need it. I told him my IT department said it wasn't necessary, and he said I should treat him with the same respect as I do the IT department. Well, who do you think is right? I would have to go with the IT department considering they run the technology in 2 law schools.)
I'm afraid that a conversation with my father is hopeless. He will not talk with you, he will talk at you. And if you try to say anything, forget it. He'll keep talking, talking over you. And when he stops, and you try to say something, he'll do that again. He ignores what you say, claiming everything is disrespectful, you're rude, ect. I never realized that he really, truly cannot have a conversation until today. I can't believe it's taken so long, but it did. Wow.
Aside from this little realization, the weather had dropped in FL, so it is a cool 60 degrees and wonderful for bundling up in sweaters and drinking hot cups of tea. Apparently there are big waves at the beach, but its too cold with the wind to go see them. I'm such a FL girl, haha. I do wish my boyfriend was here; I'd like to cuddle by the fire and roast marshmallows. Or just cuddle and watch a movie.
*sigh* back to Torts reading...
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