Hello, September

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,

But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,

That's alright because I love the way you lie,

I love the way you lie....

Did you ever love someone so much you couldn't breathe?

Eminem has a way with words. This song is a masterwork. I don't like the subject, but it's true. There is a reason there's something called 'Battered Women Syndrome.' It's the battered woman, who stands beside her man whenever he is mean, verbally or physically. She's stronger than we'll ever know, yet not strong enough to leave.

This song really touches me. I'm not sure why, but I've got in on repeat. I guess in a way, it's how I feel. Battered, but left to cry while someone else watches. Left to be on my own. I've got so much going for me - a great job, a great career path. A new place. A new life. For the first time, I feel like everything is clicking. But I feel like I still am crying, alone.

I watched 'Eat Love Pray' and the story hit a lot of soft spots. I felt like I've been going through what she was going through. I was in a relationship that had a lot of good, but also a lot of suffocation. Maybe it's weird to describe a relationship like that, but I felt like I was tied down. Although the way it ended was shitty, and although it still hurts a lot, I realize that there's an upside. For the first time in my life, I have dressed up in heels and smokey eyes to go to a school social. Or talked to the cute guy next to me at the Rays game. And handed out my phone number to a cute guy. I'm so comfortable in my own skin - with my own flaws. I'm definitely not perfect - but who is?

Today I spent 2 hours sailing a hobie alone. As I watched my companions sail their sunfish, I realized that I'm such a different person than I was 5 months ago. I actually have some idea of what I want out of life - and out of my next relationship. And as I fought with the wind, and lifted one hull out of the water, I realized that I would love to get good enough sailing that I can do non-competitive racing. It's a huge adrenaline rush when you are fighting the wind.

Fighting the wind. It's like fighting your feelings. Fighting to tell yourself that you're ok. Fighting emotions, fighting what you want to do versus what you should do. Fighting for what you believe in. The adrenaline that moves us in the right direction.

My last relationship ended because we grew apart. And yet there is someone in my life I barely have talked to in the last year and I feel like he knows me better than anyone else. And there's this feeling that the last 5 years - they were filled with unspoken emotions that are overflowing now. He makes me feel like I'm special in a way no one else has.

There's a phrase - Happiness is being married to your best friend. My grandmother has it hanging at her house. I think that maybe Happiness is being in love with your best friend would be better.

And of course, the timing couldn't be worse - or better? I guess time will tell <3

Dear Unknown

Dear Unknown,

I'm not sure if you read me or not. I'm not sure if these words will ever be read. I feel like I'm writing into an empty black hole, but I think I'm ok with that.

Since my last post, my life has been a roller coaster of good and bad. My mantra is that everything happens for a reason, and I firmly believe that. It's a constant reminder that there is some force in this world that brings people together - or apart. It's what brings people back into your life when another one leaves.

I've been able to step back and look at relationships in general with a different eye. To realize things that were blind before. There will be a lot that I will never understand, but I hope that one day I will find someone who will understand, who will be proud of what I am doing, and will be able to be there when I have a scare like I did in April. I am thankful for the friends that support me, and the new possibilities that have surfaced in May. April showers brought May flowers, and I can only hope that the summer will bring even more happiness.

I'm at a much better place in my life - in a place where I belong, away from depression and negativity that has surrounded my life for a while. I'm remembering who I am, and that I forgot for a while who that was. I was fun, exciting, spontaneous and social. I'm back to being that person, complete with a much better wardrobe. Or at least one that compels men to glance when I walk by, and offer to buy me drinks. A new phenomena that I have recently discovered, as before that I had been dubbed the 'hottest wife in the bar' and always been with my someone special. I like this newfound freedom.

On that note, I will conclude my note to you, black hole, or whoever you are reading this.

C

Reflections

After 3 1/2 years, saying goodbye is probably the toughest thing I've ever had to do. But I guess its for the best. It's not my choice, and there is nothing I can do to change it. I wish there was. But we all know wishing doesn't change anything.

I think the hardest part is when someone who you have always counted on to be there for you isn't there anymore. When the only person who can make you stop crying...is the one who is making you cry. It's letting someone go who you depended on for support.

It's realizing that you aren't the person you used to be, and that I remember. It's respecting your desire to be single and 'free,' while wanting to fulfill my desire to be with you. It's what you said on Thursday, that you wanted to try it and stay in the relationship, and me putting down my guard because I believed you and started to let you in again. Even when all the signs pointed the other way, I ignored them. I only wanted to see you and me. I was hardened on Tuesday, but your words, the way you kissed me...that made me believe that you really did want to be with me, and I got excited. Excited for living together, carving out a life together. I thought that the week we spent together helped our relationship. I just wish you had the balls to tell me that week. To cut your trip short, tell me Tuesday and leave. Because I had a false hope that everything was ok.

But it wasn't. The signs were always there - you didn't want to be with me. You didn't want to fly down more to see me, and you didn't want me to come up. You didn't do more than the bare minimum to keep this relationship alive. I always gave everything I could, and you took....but you never gave back. You always said it would be the distance that would tear us apart. Perhaps it was - but I think even if I had moved up there, you would have wanted to be out partying. I get it - you want to live like you did in college. And you don't want me to be a part of it. You don't want to be tied down. So bring on the one night stands and drunken stupors...and you'll love it.

I just hope that when the party is over, and the keg is gone, that you don't regret this. Because it's going to take an awful lot to get over you, and I won't go through that again. I love you so much...goodbye.