Hello, September

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,

But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,

That's alright because I love the way you lie,

I love the way you lie....

Did you ever love someone so much you couldn't breathe?

Eminem has a way with words. This song is a masterwork. I don't like the subject, but it's true. There is a reason there's something called 'Battered Women Syndrome.' It's the battered woman, who stands beside her man whenever he is mean, verbally or physically. She's stronger than we'll ever know, yet not strong enough to leave.

This song really touches me. I'm not sure why, but I've got in on repeat. I guess in a way, it's how I feel. Battered, but left to cry while someone else watches. Left to be on my own. I've got so much going for me - a great job, a great career path. A new place. A new life. For the first time, I feel like everything is clicking. But I feel like I still am crying, alone.

I watched 'Eat Love Pray' and the story hit a lot of soft spots. I felt like I've been going through what she was going through. I was in a relationship that had a lot of good, but also a lot of suffocation. Maybe it's weird to describe a relationship like that, but I felt like I was tied down. Although the way it ended was shitty, and although it still hurts a lot, I realize that there's an upside. For the first time in my life, I have dressed up in heels and smokey eyes to go to a school social. Or talked to the cute guy next to me at the Rays game. And handed out my phone number to a cute guy. I'm so comfortable in my own skin - with my own flaws. I'm definitely not perfect - but who is?

Today I spent 2 hours sailing a hobie alone. As I watched my companions sail their sunfish, I realized that I'm such a different person than I was 5 months ago. I actually have some idea of what I want out of life - and out of my next relationship. And as I fought with the wind, and lifted one hull out of the water, I realized that I would love to get good enough sailing that I can do non-competitive racing. It's a huge adrenaline rush when you are fighting the wind.

Fighting the wind. It's like fighting your feelings. Fighting to tell yourself that you're ok. Fighting emotions, fighting what you want to do versus what you should do. Fighting for what you believe in. The adrenaline that moves us in the right direction.

My last relationship ended because we grew apart. And yet there is someone in my life I barely have talked to in the last year and I feel like he knows me better than anyone else. And there's this feeling that the last 5 years - they were filled with unspoken emotions that are overflowing now. He makes me feel like I'm special in a way no one else has.

There's a phrase - Happiness is being married to your best friend. My grandmother has it hanging at her house. I think that maybe Happiness is being in love with your best friend would be better.

And of course, the timing couldn't be worse - or better? I guess time will tell <3

Dear Unknown

Dear Unknown,

I'm not sure if you read me or not. I'm not sure if these words will ever be read. I feel like I'm writing into an empty black hole, but I think I'm ok with that.

Since my last post, my life has been a roller coaster of good and bad. My mantra is that everything happens for a reason, and I firmly believe that. It's a constant reminder that there is some force in this world that brings people together - or apart. It's what brings people back into your life when another one leaves.

I've been able to step back and look at relationships in general with a different eye. To realize things that were blind before. There will be a lot that I will never understand, but I hope that one day I will find someone who will understand, who will be proud of what I am doing, and will be able to be there when I have a scare like I did in April. I am thankful for the friends that support me, and the new possibilities that have surfaced in May. April showers brought May flowers, and I can only hope that the summer will bring even more happiness.

I'm at a much better place in my life - in a place where I belong, away from depression and negativity that has surrounded my life for a while. I'm remembering who I am, and that I forgot for a while who that was. I was fun, exciting, spontaneous and social. I'm back to being that person, complete with a much better wardrobe. Or at least one that compels men to glance when I walk by, and offer to buy me drinks. A new phenomena that I have recently discovered, as before that I had been dubbed the 'hottest wife in the bar' and always been with my someone special. I like this newfound freedom.

On that note, I will conclude my note to you, black hole, or whoever you are reading this.

C

Reflections

After 3 1/2 years, saying goodbye is probably the toughest thing I've ever had to do. But I guess its for the best. It's not my choice, and there is nothing I can do to change it. I wish there was. But we all know wishing doesn't change anything.

I think the hardest part is when someone who you have always counted on to be there for you isn't there anymore. When the only person who can make you stop crying...is the one who is making you cry. It's letting someone go who you depended on for support.

It's realizing that you aren't the person you used to be, and that I remember. It's respecting your desire to be single and 'free,' while wanting to fulfill my desire to be with you. It's what you said on Thursday, that you wanted to try it and stay in the relationship, and me putting down my guard because I believed you and started to let you in again. Even when all the signs pointed the other way, I ignored them. I only wanted to see you and me. I was hardened on Tuesday, but your words, the way you kissed me...that made me believe that you really did want to be with me, and I got excited. Excited for living together, carving out a life together. I thought that the week we spent together helped our relationship. I just wish you had the balls to tell me that week. To cut your trip short, tell me Tuesday and leave. Because I had a false hope that everything was ok.

But it wasn't. The signs were always there - you didn't want to be with me. You didn't want to fly down more to see me, and you didn't want me to come up. You didn't do more than the bare minimum to keep this relationship alive. I always gave everything I could, and you took....but you never gave back. You always said it would be the distance that would tear us apart. Perhaps it was - but I think even if I had moved up there, you would have wanted to be out partying. I get it - you want to live like you did in college. And you don't want me to be a part of it. You don't want to be tied down. So bring on the one night stands and drunken stupors...and you'll love it.

I just hope that when the party is over, and the keg is gone, that you don't regret this. Because it's going to take an awful lot to get over you, and I won't go through that again. I love you so much...goodbye.

Shoes, Shopping and Sex

I recently began watching Sex and the City, starting with season 1. Did I mention I am starting to be addicted to it? Target is amazing and sells each season for $15, so I'll soon be the proud owner of the entire show! I still don't see why they ended it...it was such a good show! But the filming for Sex and the City: The Movie 2 is currently underway, so I am excited to see a continuation of my newfound entertainment.

I'm always late to get on the bandwagon when it comes to TV shows. Perhaps that was because we didn't have cable until this past year. So while everyone was watching Friends, Days of Our Lives and Felicity, I was watching King of the Hill re-runs. So exciting. In college, I still didn't get hooked on anything unless my boyfriend was watching it. I have to admit, Scrubs was a pretty good show to get addicted to for a while. I still enjoy watching the re-runs.

Did I miss anything? Well, I can't really hold a conversation about American Television, but I suppose that's not a big problem. Even now, with cable, I don't watch TV much. That's in part to the amount of reading I have as a law student, and in part because I just find better things to do. I like to shop, and I've begun cooking. Yes, it is an extraordinary day when I cook something that tastes decent.

Girl, Interrupted

Interruption is a pet peeve of mine. And I've noticed more and more interruption around me, which is really bothering me. I think this could be the reason that I sometimes feel like I'm not getting my input in the conversation. And lately I've noticed that I've been interrupting, just to get heard!

There are a few individuals I am thinking about which talk incessantly and you HAVE to interrupt to get a word in otherwise! The first is my co-worker, who I really am not too fond of anyway. One simple question, will lead her off into a spiral of subjects, and even if you try to interrupt, she will keep talking! Another is a good friend whom I am very fond of, but who will continue talking, even when you start talking when you think he/she has finished!! And then there is my father, who will go into 'lecture mode' if you say anything, so that you have to interrupt to get him to stop. I think the worst part about all of the interrupters is that if you say anything, or start talking about your life, they will interrupt your story and start relating it back to them. It's rather annoying and rude.

Perhaps it is because I am a good listener. I will sit and listen to a person's problems. I don't mind...I'd like to think that I am a very supportive person. But then it gets to the point where I can't even get my 2 cents in about anything. And sometimes that is better, because that will start them on a whole other tangent.

But how do we deal with this? Perhaps that is why texting, e-mail and IM work out so much better...because the whole 'interruption' subject is completely gone. You just write as much as your heart desires, knowing that they will read it and respond, and you won't get lost under the constant drone of the other person's voice.

The Art of the Conversation

I've realized that conversations are critical for the well-being of a person. Whether its a conversation about emotions, or a conversation about where something is, a conversation about academics, or just a conversation about nothing. We gossip, we love, we befriend, we relate through our conversations. In a way, conversations are how we live.

I don't think I've ever been particularly good with conversing. I could never figure out why, but after seeing my father interact with my family today, I think I know why. My father cannot converse. He cannot discuss. He does not listen to what you say, nor does he even make an attempt to listen to it. If you try to have a conversation, you end up getting a lecture. The rest of my family has been made to be listeners. Listeners to his endless rants and criticism. And if we were to talk? We would be put down. So there really was never a lot of conversation in my childhood when my father was home. My mother and I have wonderful conversations; but with my dad, there is nothing.

I realized this today after trying to get in on a conversation about firewalls and antivirus protection on computers. I'm not particularly educated in the ways of computers, but throughout my dealings with computers, I have learned about what is needed by the IT departments in my schools, as well as things my brother and boyfriend have both told me about computers. My father was talking to my brother about the 5 or so programs he decided to load onto a computer that already had appropriate anti-virus software, and my sister and I both put in my thoughts, and automatically, the conversation turned into a yelling lecture. You must understand, I am from a large family, and we are always butt into eachother's conversations, and sometimes my poor mother is part of two conversations at once! But my father blew up and said that we were all disrespecting him by correcting him and the same old B.S. as usual.

And so I have concluded that my father does not have any idea on how to have a conversation. The things I said, I could have said to anyone and had a nice, proper conversation about. But my father does not like it if we know something and try to correct him about it (case in point: I have a brand-new Mac laptop. He has lectured me that I need to download Firewall software because his friend said so. Does his friend own a Mac? No. Does his friend even know anything about a Mac? Well, considering he told my father that I need firewall software, I am assuming that is a big No. Macs have firewall built in! That's why they are so great! He said I was being disrespectful and rude to him for telling him I don't need it. I told him my IT department said it wasn't necessary, and he said I should treat him with the same respect as I do the IT department. Well, who do you think is right? I would have to go with the IT department considering they run the technology in 2 law schools.)

I'm afraid that a conversation with my father is hopeless. He will not talk with you, he will talk at you. And if you try to say anything, forget it. He'll keep talking, talking over you. And when he stops, and you try to say something, he'll do that again. He ignores what you say, claiming everything is disrespectful, you're rude, ect. I never realized that he really, truly cannot have a conversation until today. I can't believe it's taken so long, but it did. Wow.

Aside from this little realization, the weather had dropped in FL, so it is a cool 60 degrees and wonderful for bundling up in sweaters and drinking hot cups of tea. Apparently there are big waves at the beach, but its too cold with the wind to go see them. I'm such a FL girl, haha. I do wish my boyfriend was here; I'd like to cuddle by the fire and roast marshmallows. Or just cuddle and watch a movie.

*sigh* back to Torts reading...

October Already?!?!

It's hard to believe that it is already October. A year ago exactly, I was taking the LSAT. Now I am in law school. It's hard to believe how fast time flies. Pretty soon it will be Christmas.

The weather here is also an indication of the passing time. It is finally beginning to cool off. The breezes have a hint of cool, and I am very homesick for fall. I imagine that my house at home looks gorgeous, with the leaves from the old Oak trees falling. When I was little, we used to make these HUGE piles of leaves and jump in them. And I would stand on the hill, and let the cool wind blow through my hair. Yes, I love the fall. Unfortunately I am in an area without fall, but I still like the change in the weather. I'm excited to wear sweaters...yes, it is perfectly acceptable to wear sweaters in Florida.

Of course, that poses a problem in itself. See, even though I am not incredibly tall, sweaters are usually too short on me. Plus, I am very particular when it comes to the fabric of a sweater. I love cashmere, but for a more affordable sweater, I prefer a cotton yarn. Wool is too scratchy. Baby alpaca is beautiful, but very expensive. My next knitting project will be a baby alpaca yarn sweater. Something I can curl up in.

On that note, I am going to go work on homework. I would like to do some knitting today, and that will only happen if I finish my reading.

Have a wonderful Sunday.