But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
That's alright because I love the way you lie,
I love the way you lie....
Did you ever love someone so much you couldn't breathe?
Eminem has a way with words. This song is a masterwork. I don't like the subject, but it's true. There is a reason there's something called 'Battered Women Syndrome.' It's the battered woman, who stands beside her man whenever he is mean, verbally or physically. She's stronger than we'll ever know, yet not strong enough to leave.
This song really touches me. I'm not sure why, but I've got in on repeat. I guess in a way, it's how I feel. Battered, but left to cry while someone else watches. Left to be on my own. I've got so much going for me - a great job, a great career path. A new place. A new life. For the first time, I feel like everything is clicking. But I feel like I still am crying, alone.
I watched 'Eat Love Pray' and the story hit a lot of soft spots. I felt like I've been going through what she was going through. I was in a relationship that had a lot of good, but also a lot of suffocation. Maybe it's weird to describe a relationship like that, but I felt like I was tied down. Although the way it ended was shitty, and although it still hurts a lot, I realize that there's an upside. For the first time in my life, I have dressed up in heels and smokey eyes to go to a school social. Or talked to the cute guy next to me at the Rays game. And handed out my phone number to a cute guy. I'm so comfortable in my own skin - with my own flaws. I'm definitely not perfect - but who is?
Today I spent 2 hours sailing a hobie alone. As I watched my companions sail their sunfish, I realized that I'm such a different person than I was 5 months ago. I actually have some idea of what I want out of life - and out of my next relationship. And as I fought with the wind, and lifted one hull out of the water, I realized that I would love to get good enough sailing that I can do non-competitive racing. It's a huge adrenaline rush when you are fighting the wind.
Fighting the wind. It's like fighting your feelings. Fighting to tell yourself that you're ok. Fighting emotions, fighting what you want to do versus what you should do. Fighting for what you believe in. The adrenaline that moves us in the right direction.
My last relationship ended because we grew apart. And yet there is someone in my life I barely have talked to in the last year and I feel like he knows me better than anyone else. And there's this feeling that the last 5 years - they were filled with unspoken emotions that are overflowing now. He makes me feel like I'm special in a way no one else has.
There's a phrase - Happiness is being married to your best friend. My grandmother has it hanging at her house. I think that maybe Happiness is being in love with your best friend would be better.
And of course, the timing couldn't be worse - or better? I guess time will tell <3
